The Nobody's Guide To The Star Wars
by Ax the Headbanger
Summary: Nobodies don’t take into account the fact, that somewhere out there in the big mean Universe, there exist a force that is stronger than them. That force is called the Infinite Improbability. Parody crossover for Orgy fans, full summary inside.
1. Chapter 1 Prologue

Summary: The Organization is on the quest for retrieving their leader's dignity and good night-sleep in the world, where one state consists of millions of planets, where space-ships are common traffic vehicles and where a force that is stronger than the Nobodies exists...

This is parody crossover of Organization XIII, Star Wars and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I put it in this section, not to crossovers, because the Nobodies play the main role in this

Warning: Some nasty words in next chapters. And my grammar. I totally suck at past tenses in English, that's why this is written in present tense. Sorry, please bear with it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, just my rotting brain. Organization XIII belongs to Square Enix, Star Wars to George Lucas and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to Douglas Adams.

A/N: Ok, I know there are so many Star Wars parodies that they aren't funny anymore, but please – if you're Orgy fan, give it a try. Reviews will make my little soul happy, even the flames (at least I can warm my always-so-cold coffee with them:)

Enjoy!

THE NOBODY'S GUIDE TO THE STAR WARS

The darkest night reigns in The World That Never Was. Surprisingly. The almighty ruler of this dimension is sitting in his office on the highest top of the highest tower, reading through the report of the highest, erm _tallest_ member of the Organization. The only source of light in the room is a small table-lamp.  
Xemnas likes reports from Lexaeus. They can be read quite well, unlike some of those horrors other Nobodies are able to create. For example Xigbar's written display is always full of grammatical and syntactical errors and Freeshooter's characteristic slang idioms, most of which Xemnas isn't able to translate. Vexen scribbles so awfuly that even he can't read it after himself. Axel tends to write total science fiction, Luxord gambles with punctuation notes and Demyx skips from one thought to another without any warning.  
But Lexaeus' writing is brief, clear and downright, his reports contain all the important information in understandable form. Xemnas reaches out after his white cup full of dark, warm, sweet, lovely coffee. "Top-level technology... space travelling... multi-racial society... adherence to the ancient religion – quite strange, really... Force of the elements of Light and Darkness..." Suddenly, the ruler of this non-existent world chokes with his coffee.  
Then the tranquillity of the sleeping castle is interrupted by horrific scream.

Roughly awakened members of the Organization are materializing one by one on their chairs, awaiting an unexpected midnight meeting. In the matter of speech, of course. Not even Luxord is able to determine time in here.  
If you were there now as well, you would found out, that sleepy Nobodies look strangely cute and harmless. You would also discover that Demyx isn't really using any hair gel or setting-lotion – despite of the general expectations – because his mullet is even at this moment looking the same as ever, so it must be part of his real heartless morphology. Unlike Marluxia, who apparently have forgotten one hair-curler in his mane.  
Superior glances at all of the twelve faces that are looking up at him quite uncomprehendingly, and then slowly helds up his hand which is tightly holding Lexaeus' report. The rage he is hardly suppressing is clearly recognizable by the glow in his eyes and the light tremble of his raised arm. "Five," he says then with dangerously quiet voice.  
To Lexaeus' credit it should be remarked, that he flinched barely noticebly; it seems that even the marble thrones around him are trying to draw away from him.  
"Who. Is. This. _Person_?!"  
"Erm, sir... I was not successful at gathering more information about him... let alone meeting him myself. I am terribly sorry, sir." Lexaeus' nervosity can be told by unbelievably high number of words in his statement.  
Xemnas turns back to the report with disgruntled growl, starring at it furiously as if he could get his answers this way.  
Other Nobodies glance nervously at each other for a while, till at last Saix gets enough courage to ask the Superior. "Sir? What person?"  
Dark amber eyes slowly rise from the paper and for several long seconds stare at pale Seven, who is now really glad that he has no heart. "What person? Well let's see here: tall, mighty entity that used to be human once, always clad in black, controlling element of darkness known as the Dark Side of the Force, his old name is unknown and the recent one isn't dared to be spoken aloud and he apparently wields a weapon that resembles my aerial blades!!!"  
Now finally everyone knows from where the wind blows.  
So my orders are as follows: all missions are being temporarily canceled, until this BASTARD WHO HAS THE NERVE TO IMITATE ME ISN'T CAUGHT AND MADE TO REPENT THE DAY HIS FATHER DARED TO UNZIP HIS SLIT!!!" Xemnas takes a deep breath, visibly trying to cool down.  
The rest of the Organization just stares at him in silent awe; it doesn't happen very often to see the Superior – breathing example of the perfect heartlessness – so put out beyond all borders of sanity. "You've got half an hour to pack," Xemnas continues more or less calmly. "And I recommend to attentively concentrating on your choice of equipment, for we don't know the enemy's awaresness about us, nor his skills or technology. That is why you will use your special abilities only in the most extreme cases, in order not to unnecessarily attract any unwanted attention, have I explained myself clearly?"  
As an aswer there are nods, some mumbles and one raised elegant arm.  
Superior sighs. There's always at least one. "Yes, Eleven?"  
Marluxia smiles somewhat nervously. "Sir, shouldn't someone stay here to hold the castle? It wouldn't be wise to leave it just to the Dusks..."  
"All right, all right, Eleven, this mission is yours. And for the rest of you, you've got your orders."

With this the meeting is dismissed and after half an hour the Organization gather in the castle's hangar in front of their high-tech Gummiship of elegant, elongated and slim design (that is on Axel's impulse called _Durex_ behind Xemnas' back), ready for one of the most serious missions in the whole history of their non-existence.

But the Nobodies don't take into account the fact, that somewhere out there in the big mean Universe, there exist a force that is stronger than them. That force is called the Infinite Improbability...

A/N: One more thing, Xion isn't involved in this, because I don't like her. Right now I'm gonna piss off many Orgy fans, but I must say that I don't like 358/2 days either, actually it was the biggest dissapointment of the year 2009 for me. I mean, look at that storyline – you've already got 13 awesome, somewhat crazy and badass characters, there's so much things you can do with them (I can imagine Xigbar having a whole game for himself, or Demyx as a special appearance in Guitar Hero) and yet the people in charge of this must have drop there this emo goody-goody little girl who pushes all the cool guys to the background and makes this game all fairytale and slopy hero-of-light stuff. Argh! I naively thought that there would be place for characters of the Nobodies to be shown in more details, that there would be their personal interests and secrets, even something from their pasts... but nooooooo! Everything just turns around Sora again (sorry but I'm too old and cynic to get obsessed with some teenage I'm-chosen-to-fight-for-justice-and-love brat). There isn't even any decent footage with them whatsoever (there goes my hope for some tribute amv)... Ok, I stop with this before I get killed with furious fans. All I wanted to say is that this story contains only the original 13 members plus Namine in one chapter later on.


	2. Chapter 2 Planet of Sands

Disclaimer: Organization XIII belongs to Square Enix, Star Wars to George Lucas and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to Douglas Adams.

Warning: words your mommy didn't teach you

Dear Volixia669, it doesn't matter that you don't know the Hitchhikers, you're not the only one. I will try to explain properly every Hitchhiker's Guide scene or character that will eventually appear, which I won't be doing with the Star Wars, because EVERYONE knows Star Wars. And as for that Durex ship – no, it's not any name from the Hitchhikers, he he. Find it out on Google, you'll be surprised;D

And now enjoy Chapter 2: Planet of Sands

Three dark figures suddenly materialize out of nowhere and undignifiedly drop to the hot desert sand.  
"What the hell's happening now?!" Xigbar grumbles angrily as he jumps to his feet.  
Lexaeus, who landed next to him, slowly rises like a mountain. "Where is everybody?"  
"The hell I know. Argh! I hate t'have sand in my scalp!" Xigbar unties his hair, trying to get the aforementioned enemy out.  
"I have a bad feeling about this," Five mumbles, takes the Orgy GPS out of his pocket and watches its display for a while. "None of the others is at reach... but it does not mean they are not still in this dimension."  
"Yea, this junk's range's just 'bout coupla light years." Two peeks over the bigger man's shoulder, or at least he tries to. "It looks like Mansex never counted with a world, where miles wouldn't be enough."  
"Here is nothing but a desert," Demyx whispers, still movelessly sitting in the sand.  
Lexaeus gives Xigbar long silent stare.  
"Whaaat?! I can call him whatever I want! I'm the second ranking... I'm practically allowed to!"  
Silent Hero just puts the GPS back to his pocket without any word.  
"Nothing... but a _desert_..." Boundless horror in Nocturne's voice finally reaches the four ears above him.  
"What the...?"  
"Care to explain?"  
"This whole planet..." Demyx cuddles his knees to his chin in a gesture of absolute despair. "...is one big desert!"  
There is heavy silence loaded with realization. Both older members of the Organization know what this means to Demyx. The Nobodies are tightly connected with their elements, even though they don't know why exactly. Vexen did undertake several researches in this matter once, but even he wasn't able to make any definite conclusions; there were just some unofficial rumours that these powers, which so perfectly match their personalities, are remains of their lost hearts or maybe parts of their souls that still dwell inside of them. Every Nobody knows very well what it does to them, when they lose contact with their element – Lexaeus feels dizzy whenever he has to travel in a plane or spaceship, even though he is able not to show it, Saix is pretty lifeless every time there's a new moon and Axel simply can't stand temperatures below 20 degrees*.  
"So here goes yer technically advanced world," Xigbar sighs, tying his hair back together.  
Lexaeus gives him a look. "It is as I wrote in my report. This dimension is ruled by the Empire that consists of hundrets of different planets. We were just unlucky to land on one of the more primitive of them. Actually, our situation corresponds with this high-tech society."  
"Eh?"  
"Travelling through the Dark Corridor even in a ship always proceeded without any problems. Our separation and transport here must be due to some teleport beam or another analogous device we accidentaly managed to interfere."  
Freeshooter raises one eyebrow. "Wait a sec, are ya trying to say that Durex jumped out of the portal right in front of someone's phase-ray junk?"  
"Yes, I am. Although I would prefer not to call our ship like that," Lexaeus says flatly.  
Xigbar frowns. "That's some shitty coincidence, whaddya think?"  
"I have to agree."  
"Is it possible that that impostor already knows 'bout us?"  
Lexaeus shrug his broad shoulders a bit. "That is hard to tell, but I am afraid so."  
Xigbar is studying the copy of Five's report everyone was given for a while. "Ok then, let's find some people or whatever they've got on this planet and get ourselves a ship, then let's wait for others 'round this _Deathstar_ or whatever, 'cause that's the only clue we've got." He looks up at Lexaeus. "Unless you've got some better plan...?"  
Silent Hero shakes his head. "The Deathstar is the only place I was able to link directly with _him_. Although information about its whereabouts is highly classified."  
"Oh, I'm pretty sure I'd be able to kick it out from someone later," Freeshooter grins nastily. "But first things first. Demmy...? Hey kiddo, wake up!"  
"Huh?" Demyx is finally snatched from his lethargy.  
"Where's the nearest source of water here?"  
"Ah... yeah, gimme a sec." He closes his eyes and for a while he looks as if he was listening to music from headphones. "There, just a few miles away," he points then.  
"Perfect. Let's go."  
Demyx utters a groan. "Can't we just jump there through the portal?"  
"No, we can't, not until we'll find out what the fuck is going on here anyway." Nocturne is pulled up by his hood into a vertical position. "Haven't ya listened to Mansex?"  
"I guess I must've fallen asleep back then," slightly choked Nobody grumbles sullenly.  
Lexaeus tilts his head a little. "I have never seen you to be so careful before."  
Xigbar answers him with a grin. "Man, I guess I'm getting old."

*) Note for Americans and others who use Fahrenheit scale: 20C = 68F


	3. Chapter 3 Planet of Woods

Disclaimer: And here we go again - Organization XIII belongs to Square Enix, Star Wars to George Lucas and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to Douglas Adams.

Warnings: Again a few not very nice words.

Chapter 3: Planet of Woods

Three dark figures suddenly materialize out of nowhere and undignifiedly drop to a bunch of ferns.  
"Argh! What the fuck is wrong this time?!" a feminine voice full of inevitable violence growls fiercely.  
Xaldin dignifiedly rises from the ground, takes a glance at Larxene and Saix, who are getting up as well, and then searches his pockets for the Orgy GPS. "Strange," he mutters. "Others are not displayed even here."  
"I bet Axel played with the gear level yet again!" Savage Nymph hisses furiously, shaking leaves off her hair and frying them with small thunderbolts, before even one of them manages to touch the ground. "When I'll get that asshole into my grasp, he's going to get a little present somewhere anatomically unpossible..."  
"I'm sure that Eight isn't at guilt this time. Exeptionally," Whirlwind Lancer states thoughtfully. "That strange pull we'd felt right before we appeared here suspiciously resembled the efect of phase-ray I experienced several times in the past. It definitely corresponds with Five's report about advanced society."  
"Oh yeah? If you're so informed then maybe you could know, where the hell..." Larxene pauses upon seeing Xaldin's suddenly tensed face. She turns around slowly.  
Saix stands a bit away from them and stares with faraway look into the woods, his arms loose but his back under the black robe tight. He looks as if he'd spotted Selene* herself right now.  
"Oh fuck." Twelve states aloud the thoughts of both of them.  
The wilderness around them must have afflicted Diviner's other, _wolf _self the same way only moonlight or Superior's outbursts over Kingdom Hearts ever managed. But something doesn't seem to be completely right.  
Xaldin have noticed it as well, for he dares to carefully take few steps towards his subordinate. "Seven...? Saix?"  
According to the steady behaviour pattern the subject should have work himself up to berserker phase that is easily recognizable by standing hair, showing teeth, foaming mouth and flying inwards (someone else's). Anything of this surprisingly isn't on the plan just now. Saix looks quite happy actually.  
"Seven, do you feel well?" Larxene peeps with thin voice, so unlike her actual vocal expression.  
"What a beautiful forest," Luna Diviner says softly and smiles.  
Three and Twelve look at one another, their worry turned into horror.  
"What the hell is happening here?" Larxene whispers to her colleague. "Did we accidentaly appear in Wonderland?"  
Xaldin slowly shakes his head. "If this were Wonderland, we'd already been stuffed into tiny basket chairs on a crazy tea party held by midgets wearing strait jackets."  
"Oh?" Savage Nymph raises one eyebrow. "You seem pretty confident about this matter."  
"Erm... I was there on a missio..."  
"RAAAAAWR!!!"  
Larxene jumps with high pitched scream into Xaldin's arms, while Saix dashes along them like a blue-black streak and heads toward nearby bush, where...  
Xaldin curses and summons his Spearz, whereas he drops Twelve on the ground.  
Three strange figures in white full armor are rushing out of the bushes, two of them drop on their knees and start to fire while the third one boards on sort of a speeder and rides away with unbelievable speed.  
In meantime Saix gets to the two soldiers and starts to lumber them in the best tradition of the Organization XIII.  
"I'm taking the third one!" Xaldin calls out, takes the air and heads after the runaway. Larxene riding one of those scooters soon catches up to him (operating various machines and vehicles is one of her less known abilities).  
"What are you doing, Twelve?! I said this one's mine!"  
"Sure you did, but I refuse to stay there alone with him!" She points her thumb over her shoulder towards the direction, from where horrific screams can still be heard despite the distance. Xaldin doesn't answer. There's no need. Suddenly a bolt similar to Freeshooter's "bullets" shoots around his shoulder. Startled, both Nobodies glance back. Two another white clad soldiers are pursuing them. Next shot perils Larxene's anthene.  
"People of this planet really don't have any demeanour," the Nymph states with a tone that frighteningly reminds of a kindergarten nurse. She abruptly sets the brake, whereby she dissapears from Xaldin's field of sight and gets behind their pursuers' backs. Xaldin wisely speeds up not to receive any portion of the fierce volley that is raging behind him, and catches up to the last enemy.  
The poor soldier's shock is clearly noticeable even through his full helm. No-one shall be surprised though: next to him flies with unbelievable speed and with no visible vehicle or device some giant man whose jet-black dreadlocks are fiercely flapping behind his head like Medusa's snakes. And what's more, six brutal looking spears follow him closely in arrow-formation. The soldier wisely decides to jump overboard by himself, before that terrible _someone_ would have to do so. It's less painful this way.  
Whirlwind Lancer releases an amused grin and heads back to Larxene. He finds her a few hundred meters backway; she is leaning against a tree fixing her hair.  
"It took you pretty long," she states with the voice of forty-years married wife.  
Xaldin just shrugs with dignified manner, not even trying to make a comment.  
Then both of them look towards the direction, where they left their blue-haired colleague.  
Larxene sighs. "To hell with this fucking planet."  
And for once Xaldin has to fully agree with her.

*) If you don't happen to know, Selene is the ancient Greek goddess of moonlight. I just tried to be a little poetic back there;D

By the way, sorry for taking me so long to release this chapter... school's a bitch...


	4. Chapter 4 Planet of Bureaucrats

Disclaimer: Organization XIII belongs to Square Enix, Star Wars to George Lucas and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to Douglas Adams. There is also going to appear a little hint on FFVII which I don't own as well... if I did Seph would be still alive kickin' the whole world into its balls...

Warning: did I mentioned nasty vocabulary?

My apologies for such a delay, guys. Alas I won't be able to update more then once in a month from now on, so I beg for your patience – please follow this epic story into its grand finale, I swear it'll be fucking awesome!

Now enjoy!

Chapter 4: Planet of Bureaucrats

Three dark figures suddenly materialize out of nowhere and undignifiedly drop to dusty ground.

"Jesuschristgetoffmeitsfuckingcooooooooooold!" Axel screams almost hysterically and tries to crawl as fast as he can from under Vexen, who happened to land on him.

Naturally Four is on his feet and a few meters away before Eight even manages to finish his requierement. "Ew, I feel like I am going to melt away!" he shakes with disgust.

"Well by that you'd do a favour to us all," Axel smirks and crosses his arms over his chest in unspeakably insolent manner.

"You would do a favour to the whole world, if you could shut that hole in your face just once!"

"Heh. Make me..."

"Where the hell are we?" Roxas says out loud to avoid another war declaration between these two sworn enemies.

Icy green and atomic green gazes break away from each other with surprise and finally look around. What they can see is nothing but grim, dusty and windy wasteland, bounded by grey oddly smelling ocean (what not even Demyx would be enthusiastic about) on one side and the most ugly city in the entire known universe on the other.

"What the fuck?" is the only statement Axel is able to bring in at the moment.

Without a single word Vexen summons out of his Interspace-Pocket-Of-Darkness something that looks like a weird laptop and starts typing on it.

"Does anyone of you know what happened? And where did the others end up?" Roxas drops a philosophical question.

"They are still in this dimension somewhere, but too far for me to be able to get their exact position," Vexen answers with his eyes fixed on the screen, so he can't see the surprised faces of his colleagues. "And as for our location, the results will take some time to compute. This prototype is still in its trial period." The dumbfounded silence finally makes him look up. "Is something wrong?"

"Erm... this junk can find it all out?"

"Indeed, this 'junk' is able to locate the specific aura of Nobodies on far greater distances than our actual GPS – and not only within the scope of one dimension. Also it manages to extract information from broadcast on any kind of waves and thus elicit at least a name, in better case even statistic, demographic and further data of the given subject." Vexen smirks smugly with the look at the two painstakingly absorbing young brains.

After a while Roxas dare to carefully ask. "So you are trying to say, that..."

"Hey hey hey, wait up!" Axel butts in. "Now why don't we have such an useful little thingy? I think that..."

SMACK!

This sound was made by some strange iron flapper that had suddenly launched out of nowhere and whacked the speaking right into the face, causing the Pyro to end up with indescribably wonderstrucked expression on the ground.

And Vexen starts to laugh. However this time it is not his infamous creepy, insane cackle that scares the shit even out of Sephiroth, but simple amused laughter. That sound is surprisingly beautiful.

"What... what the fuck was that?" Aghasted Eight gingerly touches his red face.

"If I knew, I would let this install in the Never Was as well!" Vexen continues to laugh, while Roxas helps his still shaken friend to stand up.

"Now that'd be a fuckin' stupid idea!"

SMACK!

Vexen has to lean on his knees, while a few incredible tears of joy escape from his eyes, almost immediately turning into small ice cubes. Even Roxas has to bite his lip as he helps Axel up for the second time.

"Now I'm starting to get really pissed off!" the Pyro rages and looks for something to set in flames. His gaze lands on the not so Chilly Academic. "This isn't funny!"

"Oh really? I'd think..."

SMACK!

This time it's Vexen, who's sitting in the dust with a flapper-like red mark on his face.

"Ha! Finally you got some as well!" Axel starts to laugh.

Four quickly gets on his feet. "Stop that!"

"I don't think so..."

SMACK!

"GODDAMNTHATSHIT!"

Roxas, who isn't participating in these merry-makings, stands aside and thoughtfully watches his two screaming and swearing colleagues. Then he appreciably comes to a certain conclusion. He stands next to Vexen, who is dusting himself off with low growling, the face of an anthropologist who have finally discovered after fifty years of research the real footprint of Big Foot. "Four, what do you thing about this?"

Chilly Academic blinks in surprise – the youngest member of the team is asking him for an advice! His respect-addicted soul flutters happily. Vexen straightens up to his full height proudly and declaims: "I think..."

SMACK!

Roxas nods with contend. Then he slightly crouches as if to get ready for an attack and says with a tone full of expectation and a hint of menace: "I thought so."

Flapper that launches out of the ground at this moment isn't actually expecting to be going to get grabbed. Two smacked Nobodies watch in awe how Thirteen fights with the enemy's device and loses at the end, namely because fine smooth leather gloves aren't very good at holding shitty iron stick that tries to drag back into the ground. Roxas crouches down with dissatisfied growl to investigate the place where the flapper of doom disappeared, but what he doesn't expect is that the thing is going to come out right again, so –

SMACK!

Headshot.

The roles turn, now Axel is helping his friend to get up. "Rox, what the hell..."

"Don't thing on anything!" Roxas cuts him out. "No ideas, no suggestions, no opinions!"

There is breathless silence for a while and then out of a sudden, tens and tens of devil's flappers start to launch out without a single one of them missing the target. The Nobodies make a tactical break for it, heading towards the aforementioned ugly city.

And in the same moment they finally reach the salvation of its main gate, every one of them sowed by many battle wounds, Vexen's prototype laptop announces the gain of all accessible data of the planet, where thinking is punishable.

The planet called Vogsphere.

A/N: Finally the first appearance of the Hitchhiker's Guide theme! This was the most hillarious scene of the whole movie - those of you who haven't seen it should do so, only if for this particular five minutes!


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